The main reason that you still feel connected to your ex is that you can’t let the past go. You are still emotionally attached to your ex because you might be confused, your feelings are manipulated, or you’re still in love. You can’t either let the past go or the past can’t let you go. That unhealed part of yours keeps pushing you towards your ex and being attached to them. It’s a pretty mixed-up feeling that makes you confused and hinders your progression. Don’t worry, it’s not a pleasant feeling and situation but it’s manageable. Here are 10 main reasons why you still feel connected to your ex:
1. You still think they’re the one
When the relationship meant a lot to you, it will be hard for you to detach from your ex. You still feel connected to your ex because they or the relationship made you feel fulfilled in a form. Now that you are dealing with their absence, you feel hollow. It’s normal to feel connected if you have invested most of your time, feelings, and energy in this relationship. You can learn to detach from this situation but this situation is a bit harder, especially for long-term relationships. The timeline of detaching and moving on depends on how you embrace and process your feelings. The sooner you learn to work on your feelings and thoughts, the sooner you will detach and reflect differently.
2. You’re romanticizing your relationship
If you keep focusing on the positive sides of the previous relationship, you will be stuck in the past. You will start to overthink everything and you’ll end up having a negative impact on yourself. All those intrusive thoughts, blaming yourself, and asking what if will keep you in connection with your ex. This connection will be based on something imaginary, on the image of your ex that you’ve created in your head. All that drags you and leads you to have an emotional connection with your ex.
3. You’re sensitive
If you’re emotional and sensitive then you will still feel connected with your ex. When you’re highly sensitive you tend to connect more with your ex and with the situation. This is subtly connected with having an anxious attachment style. Hence, here post-breakup anxiety and loneliness are not the main reason for being connected with your ex. You feel this connection just because you tend to feel much more than someone else. So, the process of moving on and healing yourself will be longer than others.
4. You have an anxious attachment style
If you’re anxious, you will be needy and clingy at the beginning of the breakup. You will start to overthink and you need constant validation from your ex because you start to feel unimportant. All this is a result of being afraid to be lonely and being in constant need of validation. This is quite normal for someone who has an anxious attachment but you may work to change it. I am aware that is hard for you to adjust to this new pattern and that’s totally fine. Hence, this makes you still feel connected to your ex and doesn’t let you to live in the moment.
5. You don’t want them to move on
You still feel connected to your ex because deep down you don’t want them to move on. You might do it unconsciously but you are not ready to let them go even though you might not feel anything for them.
Now, you might have managed to heal slower than your ex and this makes you jealous; They have hurt you deeply and now you feel even more betrayed and small seeing them moving on faster.
To be more precise, the pain and intrusive thoughts coming from your ex make you feel connected to them. You still count them as a part of your life and your journey.
6. You didn’t allow yourself to process your post-breakup feelings
If you have been holding the negative feelings and you suppressed them then you will feel connected to your ex. Those suppressed feelings and negative thoughts and memories are pushed on the back of your head. There comes a time when you encounter people, things, or even out of nowhere that reminds you of your ex. What you feel inside is a product of anger and denial. You keep pushing those feelings but still, they come to you in another form.
7. You need one final answer
You still feel connected to your ex because they dumped you without any clarification. That obscurity keeps you hanging and you can’t move on without knowing why that happened. There is nothing to be ashamed of or wonder why you’re feeling this way. Because at this moment, you have tons of What If’s in your head. It is a painful ending and you deserve one final answer so you can heal first and then move on. In this situation, if you can’t get a proper answer, it is better to work on yourself and attract what’s best for you. Getting a complicated answer feels like getting no answer at all, it will confuse you even more.
8. They are playing mind games with you
You will feel connected to your ex if they’re playing with your thoughts and emotions. If you had been in a relationship with a controlling ex or a narcissist, they will try to manipulate emotions and your opinions. One day they will be cold and the next day hot. You will be quite confused about the situation and wonder why you’re feeling pain, hate, and love at the same time. To be honest, I don’t know if there might be a feeling of love there. This is why after a painful breakup they try to convince you that being on your own isn’t the best choice. They try to crush your self-confidence so you can go and be back together with them.
9. You’re still grieving and processing your feelings
It’s normal to feel connected with your ex even after a few months or a year. No relationship is the same and no one grieves in the same way. If someone can be healed within two months then someone can do it for six months. It all depends on your attachment style and how hard or easy it’s for you to embrace your feelings. Grieving and healing are not linear. One day you’re feeling better and ready to live in the moment. The next days you just want to curl up in your bed and not talk to anyone. This journey has its ups and downs and while you’re healing, you will be connected to your ex.
10. You’re still going through the trauma
Messy relationships and bad breakups live an ugly mark on your life. Trauma cannot be healed in a blink of an eye. Processing the trauma takes a lot of work and courage. That’s while you’re carrying all that emotional trauma, you are still connected to your ex. It feels like their words and behavior are part of you. Even if you encounter a similar situation or someone who reminds you of them, you will get triggered. That’s very normal, just don’t be scared to let yourself feel all those emotions and release them.
What to do if I still feel connected to my ex?
The first thing that you should do when you feel connected to your ex is to let yourself feel it. When you allow yourself to go through these feelings, you can reflect differently and work on these feelings.
- If you feel connected because you’re lonely, ask yourself why you’re feeling lonely. Define what is making you lonely at the moment and what you miss from your previous relationship. Is it the way your ex treated you or the way you felt while being in this relationship?
- You need to forgive yourself and your ex. If you had a terrible breakup then the intrusive thoughts and negative feelings will keep you connected to your ex. So you can move on, you need to let go. You cannot let your ex go if you don’t forgive them and yourself. I know that’s not easy to do especially if you are dealing with post-breakup trauma. But know that is important to get rid of those emotions that are hindering your healing.
- Try doing No Contact. As they say out of sight, out of mind. If you cut all the communication with your ex, it will be easier for you to reflect. While being distant, you will be able to find out why you felt that way and what can you do. If you were codependent then you will find out what made you all clingy and not trust yourself. When you find this out, you will be focused to work on your self-confidence. You can achieve it while focusing on your hobbies, and meeting new places and new people.
- If you have kids or a business together then you can try to have limited communication. I know that this situation is the most difficult one and sometimes can be hard to be managed. Hence, being focused on your responsibilities and defining the reason to communicate with them can be helpful. Try to be precise and keep your answers and questions short and simple.
Do I love my ex, or am I just attached?
You are in love with your ex if you still care about them and you find them complementing your well-being. Whereas, you are attached if your love is self-centered. What I mean by self-centered love is that you need their presence to keep you functioning. If you’re feeling lonely and anxious and you need your ex’s presence that doesn’t necessarily mean that you love them. At that moment, it might be a thought or a situation that has triggered you to remind your ex. You can be nostalgic and you just want to go through those familiar feelings to feel safe and sound. When you love your ex, you will give them the space and time to work on themselves and you will work on yourself too. The difference lies in what you want and what you need.
The Bottom Line: I am feeling connected to my ex
You are still feeling connected to your ex because you cannot let them go yet. You cannot let them go because you still are in pain or in love. Either way, these feelings evoke because of you or your ex. That’s why you should not blame yourself for feeling this way and it’s totally fine if you feel confused. Sometimes the situation can be quite messy because it seems like you can’t find a proper answer. Hence, if you focus on what you’re feeling and work on these feelings, you’ll find the right answer. You got this, Callisto Adams
