In this article, trauma-informed counseling psychologist Anushtha Mishra (MSc, Counseling Psychology), who specializes in providing therapy for concerns such as trauma, relationship issues, depression, anxiety, grief, and loneliness among others, writes about how you can make your marriage work as a woman and shares tips on how you can be a better wife and improve your marriage.
25 Ways To Be A Better Wife And Improve Your Marriage
Marriage is not just the summer or winter of your life, it’s all four seasons of the year. You invest your energy and time into nurturing it and making it blossom. And that requires both partners to take the lead or responsibility. It takes a special set of skills to be able to share your life with another person. Renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman mentions that most marriages fall apart in the first 7 years. So it becomes crucial to know if there are any signs of trouble in your marriage early on before your marriage is over and be aware of the ways you, as a woman, can improve your marriage. Below are 25 tips on how to be a better wife and improve your marriage. This is an attempt to help you make your marriage work as a woman and figure out ways to strengthen your marriage.
1. Edit yourself to improve your marriage
Kindness to one another is the foundation of any relationship, including marriage. The most successful couples out there are kind to each other. They censor themselves and avoid vocalizing every critical thought that they have about their partners when they discuss triggering topics. Respecting your spouse by finding ways to express your needs and concerns in a dignified manner without criticizing or placing blame will help improve and strengthen your relationship with your husband.
2. Give yourself some space
Giving yourself some space away from your spouse allows you to check in with yourself and work on your personal growth. This space also ensures you don’t suffocate each other. It helps you make your marriage work as a woman or even as a man. Some space can heal a marriage and strengthen your bond with your spouse. Communicate your need for space to your partner. You can start by explaining what you mean when you say “space”, and when, how, and why you may need that space for yourself.
3. Give your spouse some space
Just like you need space, so does your spouse. You need to give that space to your spouse. Having time apart or personal space is extremely important to keep the marriage fresh and form a healthy relationship. It promotes the maintenance of self-identity while still being a couple. Creating these spaces for yourself and your partner acknowledges mutual trust, which is a crucial element for making your marriage last. It promotes independence and strength rather than neediness and clinginess.
4. Focus on the positives of your spouse
We all have some healthy and some unhealthy traits and we all want to be noticed for our better side. Take time out to notice some of those positive traits in your partner. It might sometimes get very difficult to look at the positives and support your partner, especially when you are angry, sad, or going through something difficult in your relationship. It is at those times that remembering the better side of your partner becomes more crucial than ever. You can do so by being mindful of the good things not just in your partner but in your marriage as a whole and by caring for your marriage every day. Do not minimize what hurts you but remember that your partner is human too. An important factor in how to be a better wife and improve your marriage is being aware and appreciative of your partner’s strengths.
5. Repair and exit the arguments to improve your marriage
According to Dr. John Gottman, learning how to exit an argument and repair a situation that can spiral out of control due to an argument holds the secret to being a happy couple. You can attempt to repair such situations by using:
humor making caring remarks making it apparent that you’re on common ground, meaning that you are a team Backing down In general, offering appreciation for your partner and their feelings
If an argument or fighting in a marriage spiral out of control and leads to a heated situation, take time out in the form of breaks and get back to the topic only when you are both calm.
6. Soften your approach to conflicts
Arguments usually erupt when one partner soars the conflict by making an insulting or disdainful remark. When you bring up the concerns or problems you have gently without blame-shifting, it helps you to calmly engage in conflict resolution with your spouse. One of the good wife tips is starting a conversation softly and listening to your spouse’s perspective as well. Do complain but don’t blame your spouse. Use “I” statements to express yourself instead of “you” statements and, most importantly, be polite and considerate.
7. Let your spouse influence you
If you’ve been constantly feeling or asking yourself, “My husband deserves a better wife. What do I do?”, then I suggest you start accepting influence from your spouse. If you are rigid with your schedule and plans and don’t make space for your spouse’s requests or priorities, you could end up in a shaky marriage. A wife’s capacity to be influenced by her spouse is just as crucial as it is for the spouse to be influenced by their wife. Dr. John Gottman says that a true partnership happens only when both the partners allow themselves to be influenced by each other. This is one of the effective tips on how to be a better wife and improve your marriage.
8. High standards are good in a marriage
According to Dr. John Gottman, happy couples set a high standard for their relationship. The most successful marriages are those in which the couple refuses to accept harmful behavior from one another. If you find yourself wondering, “How to improve my marriage with my husband?”, the answer is to have low levels of tolerance for bad behavior from the very beginning of the marriage. This ensures that you will both be happier together down the road of the highs and lows of your marriage.
9. Respect your spouse
Mutual respect in a relationship plays an important part in determining how long-lasting it can be. It builds a strong foundation. Presence and display of mutual respect are just as important as trust and care in building a secure relationship. One of the good wife tips is to show the respect that you carry for your partner. Listen to them without distractions, apologize when you’ve made a mistake, and find more ways in which you can display your respect to your partner.
10. Don’t control your partner
If you wonder, “What are the ways to better my marriage?”, then the first thing to do is to stop micromanaging and controlling your partner, displaying one of the signs of a control freak. This kind of behavior can be detrimental to your marriage. You can do so by:
Being mindful of your own needs that your controlling behavior fulfills Find ways to trust your partner and don’t make choices for your spouse, rather encourage them to do what is right for them
11. Discuss your opinions with your spouse
How to be a better wife and improve your marriage? Without looking for approval, ask your partner for their opinions or communicate yours to them. Relationships are collaborative and as much as your opinions matter, your partner’s thoughts matter too. Aim toward cultivating harmony toward each other’s opinions and hence improving communication in the relationship. If you want to improve your relationship with your husband, become more receptive to their opinions and perspective. If they seem confusing to you, you can always ask gently what they are seeing that you don’t.
12. Regard the privacy of your spouse
You have the right to privacy in any kind of relationship including that with your spouse, friends, or family. Both you and your spouse have the right to keep parts of yourself or your lives private for the sole reason that both of you want to. A sense of personal space and emotional and physical privacy between partners is a sign of a healthy marriage. Otherwise, you end up hampering your intimacy rather than enhancing it.
13. Share the financial expectations
Many marriages are full of disagreements over finances. You and your spouse might have different expectations about money and it might be difficult to see a financial situation from your spouse’s perspective. Communicating your financial expectations and coming to an agreement on how to handle money and split finances can be one of the tips on how to be a better wife and improve your marriage. Discussing with your partner about this can help with building mutual trust and respect as well.
14. Practice patience
Patience keeps a marriage alive. Along with love, patience is crucial to strengthen your partnership and make it long-term. It’s not easy to master patience and it takes a lot of strength and determination to practice it. Patience in a relationship can work wonders, not just in the marriage itself but for both the partners as well. You can start practicing patience by:
Getting to know your partner as a person Accepting their flaws Communicating Most importantly, listening to your spouse
15. Be mindful of your needs
We all have certain wants and needs. It is astonishing how many deny their needs or are not aware of them. One of the tips on how to be a better wife and improve your marriage is by knowing your own needs in the marriage as well as your spouse’s. Unmet needs are a leading factor behind most disappointments and conflicts in a marriage. The higher the frequency of these disappointments, the lower the chances of making your marriage work as a woman.
16. Listen to the needs of your partner
Listening strengthens relationships and demonstrates attentiveness, care, and respect. One of the most important tips on how to be a better wife and improve your marriage is by listening to your partner without biases and judgment. Only then do you start to hear what they mean by what they speak. You can improve your relationship with your husband by being more empathetic in the relationship and paying attention to their emotions without bias. Don’t jump to solutions right away, rather pay attention to their body language and reflect on what they’re saying. Remember that there is no way you can make your marriage better without talking about it and listening to your spouse’s perspective on it.
17. Let your spouse take the lead from time to time
Remember that trust exercise for couples where you fall on your back trusting that the person behind you will catch you? It’s almost like that. Letting your partner lead at times shows that you are ready to fall on your back because they are there to catch you. One of the solutions to your “My husband deserves a better wife. What should I do?” dilemma is letting your spouse take the lead sometimes and, at others, your spouse lets you lead them. Then there may be times when you both knot your hands together and lead each other home.
18. Use “I” statements to express your feelings
Start your sentences with “I” to not seem critical and prevent your partner from taking on a defensive position. Using “I” statements can help you convey what you’re feeling and give way to a productive, positive conversation instead of sounding accusatory which can become a red flag conversation. You can say, “I don’t feel loved right now” instead of saying “You don’t love me at all”. Instead of “You hurt me a lot,” say, “I feel hurt right now.” The difference is that the focus is on how you’re feeling rather than accusing your spouse. This is one of the most important ways to strengthen your marriage.
19. Flirt and make time for intimacy
One of the effective tips on how to be a better wife and improve your marriage is by being flirtatious and making time for intimacy with your spouse. Most couples usually get comfortable with each other and the downside to that is forgetting how to turn on the charm leading to a lack of intimacy. Intimacy without any distractions is a great way to bond with your partner. It can increase the levels of commitment and emotional connection between partners. It can do wonders to bring back the spark in your relationship. It is even better if you make it a priority.
20. Be vulnerable with your spouse
Being vulnerable in a marriage means expressing the sides of yourself in which you have the least confidence or which are deeply personal, and then allowing your spouse to touch them and respond to them. It is scary but, if you find yourself wondering, “How to improve my marriage with my husband?”, then being vulnerable is one of the best ways. It makes your spouse and yourself feel supported, connected, and truly loved.
21. Try to be flexible with your spouse
Naturally, you and your spouse won’t agree on everything no matter how well you both talk about your differences. In fact, maybe your differences were a part of what attracted you both to each other. Be mindful that not all differences in opinions have to be resolved. It is okay to agree to disagree. Listening to your spouse’s point of view becomes important here. Remember we talked about reflective listening a few points back?
22. Share household chores
According to the Pew Research Center, a 2016 research study of heterosexual couples showed that 56% of couples said sharing household chores is important in their marriages. If you have questions about what are the ways to better my marriage, then this is one of them. How to be a better wife and improve your marriage? By dividing responsibilities, communicating about the shared chores, analyzing the tasks at hand, and appreciating your spouse to show that you value your spouse’s contribution.
23. Be mindful of the four horsemen
When you find yourself in a conflict with your spouse, make a conscious effort to avoid the “four horsemen” or four negative behaviors that prove disastrous to a relationship, as identified by Dr. Gottman. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Try engaging in more constructive behavior instead. After the conflict is over, reflect on how things went down. Be mindful if you or your partner engaged in any of the behaviors listed as the “four horsemen”, and if so, were you able to catch yourself and take a different approach? Be mindful of what went well and what you could improve for next time.
24. Support and encourage your spouse
One of the most effective tips on how to be a better wife and improve your marriage is by encouraging and supporting your spouse. In marriage, this can be difficult to do sometimes but some support and encouragement can help your partner become the best version of themselves. Even research shows that support from your partner is essential for relationship satisfaction.
25. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
Communication is one of the most, if not the most, important factors of any healthy and happy relationship and there’s no way to make your marriage better without talking about it. Communication is about connecting and using your verbal skills to fulfill your and your partner’s needs in the relationship. The answer to the question of how to be a better wife and improve your marriage is by being okay with communicating with your partner, openly and honestly. Communication happens both ways, This means that as entitled as you are to voice out your thoughts, so is your spouse. Yes, it takes more than just love to make a marriage work and all these tips are how you can strive to put in the effort to make it bloom. But sometimes things may become strained and it might become difficult to navigate. With the help of Bonobology’s panel of experienced counselors, you can move one step closer to a harmonious relationship. Marriage is not a walk in the park and when you have to spend every day with your spouse, it might seem even harder. However, following these 25 tips on how to be a better wife and improve your marriage can show positive changes and pay off for the better.
