Heck, you’ve enjoyed your coffee in the morning! Things and evenings took a different turn since he pulled away, didn’t they? Now your evenings are accompanied and disturbed by thoughts, urges, and questions. Now your coffee tastes a bit bitter, and it’s difficult to enjoy. Sugar? No, thanks. We now have another ingredient called overthinking, thanks to our guy pulling away! There’s this specific urge when he pulls away. It’s the urge to chase him, to want to make him yours, or make him chase after you. Well, let’s make that coffee taste better, shall we?!
Let’s resist the urges that come from desperation when he pulls away!
Let’s face it, you’re not in a favorable position here. You’re stuck with thoughts and unanswered questions that seem to be left that way for a while. You get these ideas that sound just right and effective to make him chase you instead. The truth is, those urges and ideas are most likely coming from a place of desperation and need for his attention. Which, by the way, it’s normal and okay. But those are coming from a place of confusion, and an overwhelmed emotional state that blurs the sense of logic. To clarify, the most common urges that come from a place of desperation when he pulls away are:
Asking him multiple times for an explanation;Chasing him thinking that he’ll eventually get back;Trying tactics to make him chase you and make him miss you;Texting him multiple times;Going out of your way to get his attention; etc.
The thing is, sometimes these feel inevitable. Though what you do by surrendering to the power of these urges is enter a vicious cycle. When you chase him and go out of your way to get his attention you’re more likely to push him further, which then makes you want to go harder on your game, which then pushes him even further. One of the most effective ways to make him miss you when he pulls away from you is to leave him alone. Essentially, you have to do nothing about it when he pulls away. Bear with me, your coffee is almost ready to taste better!
Doing nothing about it: How to give him space when he pulls away?
Well, we realized that chasing him when he pulls away isn’t a good idea. You don’t want to chase him when he pulls away because that is very likely to agitate the situation, push him further away, and make you feel negative emotions. Introducing you to your new mantra: When he pulls away, do nothing! Sounds fair, but how do we do that? Well, I’ve got you covered. Here’s how you give him space when he pulls away a.k.a here’s how you do nothing when he pulls away:
1. Address his behavior: Give him one chance to explain.
The healthiest way to deal with issues and problems within a connection is communication. If you’re sensing something’s off within the connection, then you should address it calmly with your partner. While being considerate of his feelings, you shouldn’t forget yours either! Address his behavior calmly, and let him know what’s concerning you, and what you’re willing to do. Here are a few examples:
“[name], you’re very dear to me but I sense you’re pulling away recently. Is everything ok?”“I don’t want to sound mean or insensitive, but this lack of communication is affecting me negatively. If there’s something I can do, I’d love to help. However, if this is recurring behavior, I’m afraid I’d have to let you go.”“Hi [name], I’ve noticed you’ve become distant these days. Is everything ok?”“Hello [name], you’ve gone quiet for a while now. I’m down for space too, but not suddenly vanish from each other’s life without a warning. Please let me know if I misread the situation.”
Some of these give him just enough room for at least a simple “Oh yeah, I’m ok, I just need a bit of space if that’s ok with you.” – essentially, the bare minimum.
2. If he doesn’t respond or doesn’t respond well, stop reaching out to him.
Once you make your attempt to reach out to him once, then it’s time for him to respond to that attempt to communicate. This is the part where you wait a bit before making a decision or rushing to conclusions. Most importantly, this is where you do not insist on getting an answer. It’s the opposite of giving him space, and we don’t want that. You’re doing the right thing, you reached out to him once which is enough to get a response from him even if his response is no response at all. If he doesn’t respond or chooses to respond in an insensitive manner, then stop reaching out to him. That’ll be enough for him to realize the weight of his actions and to miss you after a while.
3. Resist the urge to beg him.
Some of us have been there, while some of us are just getting there: resisting the urge to beg him to stay or come back. This is yet another urge that stems from a place of desperation. And it’s an urge you need to fight hard! Do not beg him to come back. He’s got free will, he’s got his mind, he might return but you surely can’t impose that decision on him. On the contrary, you’re likely to agitate the situation more if you start begging. He’s needing space, and he pulled away, now if you invade that space with begging and pleading, he’ll need it more hence he’ll pull away even more. Here’s what you should do instead of begging:
4. Find things to do for yourself and your well-being.
It’s easier said than done, but if you’re looking for peace of mind, you’ve got to get back to those activities of joy! If you sit around waiting for him, you’ll end up feeling hurt, and in the worst-case scenario, worthless. This is why, instead of focusing on why he pulled away and what’s wrong with him, you’ve got to focus on your well-being. Participate in activities you love, things you enjoy doing, and anything that brings joy and benefits your well-being. You’ll thank yourself later, trust me!
5. Don’t text him if you’re the only one initiating the conversations.
If this is a slow pull-away phase that often lets the relationship die out eventually, and you communicate but it’s very distant and cold, then you’ve got to make a turn. If you’re the only one initiating the conversations and he doesn’t engage in those conversations then you should stop texting him. This is not a game, this is not a trick, it’s a simple way of not chasing him anymore. Usually, when men are interested they start conversations for a change, they invest in conversations, they ask questions, and they’re present. If he’s slowly pulling away, then he probably chose an indirect way of telling you that he needs space. If you’re the one to continuously initiate conversations, then stop doing it. Give him the space to initiate conversations as well.
6. Don’t let your self-esteem get affected by this situation.
Men do this more often than you think. Imagine the catastrophic chaos in the realm of self-esteem if every person’s self-esteem got affected because a man pulled away from them! He’s got his reasons but he’s not communicating them to you. That doesn’t subtract your value as a person. Any trusted therapist would confirm this! Anyone who knows what’s good for you would confirm this! Avoid letting your self-esteem be in the hands of other people and their opinions of you. His opinions about you and his perception of you don’t define who you are and what you represent. If he chose to pull away, let him go if he doesn’t want to return. But do not let his behavior affect the way you see yourself.
7. Let him go if it takes him too long.
Waiting for him can seem like a good idea at the beginning, and it often is. You’re offering him the space he needs, you’re taking space as well, it’s not unhealthy. However, if he takes too long and you’re still sitting around and waiting for him, then it can take a toll on your dating life. If you didn’t have the talk of exclusivity, and if he didn’t provide you with any reasons why he needs space, then you have every right to let him go if this pull-away phase takes him too long. It’ll be your pull-away phase. You can get back to exploring your options on dating or simply take care of yourself without hoping or thinking of a possible return from him.
Conclusion: Don’t let your joy depend on him!
No more dates, fewer texts, or no texts at all can be a slap on the face and a hard pill to swallow. Whether you want it to or not, it affects your mood. What you’re experiencing is your body and mind responding to the situation, and it’s normal. However, you don’t want to dwell on those feelings and let yourself and joy be defined by one single person. You’ve got a life, a personality, and people who love you. Don’t let your joy depend on him. Most importantly, don’t let your self-esteem depend on his perception of you. Hope your coffee tastes a bit better as you’re feeling lighter and free from those heavy thoughts! Sincerely, Callisto
