How Do I Stop Abusing My Wife?
People have many marriage problems but I am unable to handle mine. I love my wife very much, but in the midst of an argument something triggers in me and I hit her.
What your fights reveal about your relationship
What my fights reveal about my relationship is I care for my wife and my family but when I become angry I become like a monster. I can’t stop shouting till I hit her. It’s my way of stopping an argument in less than a minute and ensuring that I am in the commanding position. But I feel being violent to your partner is unacceptable. But I am unable to stop myself.
Making up after the fight with my partner
I always apologise to her but now I feel apologies won’t work anymore because my behavior has taken a pattern. She also knows what to expect and I also know what I will end up doing. Couples quarreling and making up after that are common but my behavior is creating umpteen problems in my marriage and I worry that it could break down. Please help me. How do I stop abusing my wife?
Dear Husband, Sometimes, cases like this come along and as a Behavioral Coach, it is my duty to look at both sides of the coin and let the individual see the whole situation from a birds-eye point of view.
Acknowledging the problem is half the battle won
Half the battle is won at the start of your message. You love your wife and that is what’s most important. And, because you love your wife, you will make an effort to change your behavior as well.
Pause and think what you are doing
Now to tackle the other 25%. When you love someone, you accept them with all their faults, their greatness, their quirkiness, their shortfalls, their overall being. When you accept someone for all of what they are, then you also need to overlook some things. When you get into an argument and she ends up screaming; maybe pause a little and wonder if she had a tiring day, bad day, stressful day, physically exhausting day, emotionally draining day or mentally taxing day. She is managing your home with its multiple people, multiple requests and tantrums; maybe she needed a space to vent it out. She did it to you and in front of you because you are the only person she can go to, to vent. Cherish that. Yes, you too might be wound-up, handling work stress, the uncertainty mad commute to and from work, worried about the financial upheavals in the business, or just physically tired.
How you can stop abusing your wife
Stomping out of the room, or counting till 10 or not talking might be a solution; but not always. Instead the next time you get into an argument with your wife and you do end up raising your hand; raise it to touch her face, or to bring her into your embrace, and tell her it’s okay. That’s all she needs. For someone to tell her that she is still loved, she is still cared for, she still matters and her anger and frustration is understood. Let her know she has the right to be angry and that you as her husband, as her partner understand that.
Your act of hugging her will also help you release your pent up stress and you too will feel relaxed. If you do this you will not feel like hitting your wife after an argument. You will not become the monster you are saying you become. It is not hard to stop being violent to your partner. All you have to do is look deep within into the love you have for her. Try it my friend, because love is the universal language of communication. Hope this helps. Riddhi Doshi Patel
