Sex with a narcissist often resembles nothing like ordinary sex. In some cases, itcan feel exhilarating and alluring- it’s almost like you’re acting out a graphic fantasy scene together. In other cases, it feels like a bargaining tool- it’s a way the narcissist earns control and power. And finally, it can also seem completely erratic or manipulative where they want to be intimate one moment, and the next, they seem repulsed by your affection. In other words, knowing what the narcissist actually wants from you is often challenging. Sometimes, they seem obsessed- other times, they appear entirely disinterested. Their messages can be confusing, upsetting, and even disturbing. So, what does a narcissist want in bed? Let’s dive in.
What Do Narcissists Want Sexually?
It might sound like a simple question, but the answers are far more complicated.
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First, it’s essential to understand that most narcissists are primarily focused on satisfying their own needs and securing their own pleasure. But, as you have likely noticed, this pattern isn’t exclusive to sex- it’s an integral part of who they are. They often present as selfish and insensitive, prioritizing their needs above everyone else’s. This mindset is the anatomy of what makes a narcissist a narcissist! But different narcissists will have different motives when it comes to their sexual behavior. Here’s what you might expect.
Somatic Narcissists and Sex: Sex Should Be an Act of Worshipping Them
Somatic narcissists are highly preoccupied with their own bodies and physical attractiveness. These narcissists typically perceive them as prettier, fitter, or downright better-looking than others. But they are obsessed with maintaining their image- they may spend hours in the gym or thousands of dollars on plastic surgery. So anything that potentially jeopardizes their image feels catastrophic. Somatic narcissists typically perceive their partners as sexual objects- their partners are the fuel for maintaining their narcissistic supply. They want to be worshipped for their gorgeous bodies. They want all the pleasure because people are lucky to be with them! These narcissists often receive their temporary fix by seducing and securing sex.
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But it’s a classic case of enjoying the chase more than the prize- although they look forward to having sex, it often feels lackluster or even mechanical. So, as a result, they keep looking for more. Somatic narcissists avoid emotional intimacy at all costs. These narcissists have no problem cheating on their partners or making demands for open relationships. If confronted on their behavior, they will insist all other partners mean “nothing” to them.
Cerebral Narcissists and Sex: Sex Is for Immature People
Cerebral narcissists move around the world genuinely believing they have superior knowledge and wisdom. This is because their egos derive from feeling smarter or more “unique” than other people. Cerebral narcissists value intelligence, sophistication, and education. Therefore, sex with a cerebral narcissist can feel confusing and demoralizing. They often also perceive their partners as sexual objects. But, at the same time, they also tend to demean and “look down” on sex altogether. After all, in their minds, they are above such an impulsive, pleasure-driven activity. If you enjoy sex simply for how it feels, they may shame you for being needy or immature. They may even call you slutty or hedonistic for your desires. Of course, these narcissists can change their minds at a moment’s notice. For example, the cerebral narcissist may withhold sex from you- only to discover they’re hiring escorts on the side. Like any narcissist, they believe they are entitled to have what they want when they want it. Cerebral narcissists may also only use sex for specific purposes. For example, a female cerebral narcissist may only want to have sex because she wants to have a child. Therefore, the idea of just having sex for “pleasure” may seem beneath her.
Malignant Narcissists and Sex: Sex Is Always On Their Terms
Malignant narcissists tend to be the most dangerous narcissists, as they are the most likely to use physical violence to get what they want. In addition, these narcissists can be highly calculated and controlled- they know they have power, and they derive pleasure from knowing they can harm others with it. Malignant narcissists believe they can call all the shots when it comes to sex. In other words, if they’re in the mood, you better be in the mood. If they want to try this activity, you should be excited and eager yourself. Once you start standing up for yourself, the malignant narcissist often reacts with immense rage. At this point, depending on how they typically cope with rejection, you may even be in physical danger.
What About Narcissists and Sexting?
Is your partner sending you raunchy, unwanted pictures? Are they pressuring you to send nudes? By definition, sexting refers to sending or receiving sexually explicit messages or images. Most people sext using their cell phones. People may sext through text messages or social media platforms. Interestingly, sexting and narcissism can go hand-in-hand. Research shows that people who enjoy sending inappropriate texts tend to have an inflated sense of self coupled with a lack of regard for other people. Some narcissists may use “aggravated sexting,” which refers to coercing someone to sext or sharing someone’s sexts without their consent. Some people coin this term as sextortion because it resembles the same manipulation tactics associated with extortion. For example, some narcissists might harass you to send them texts or pictures- they will often use excessive flattery and compliments to “win you over.” On the extreme end, some narcissists will engage in ‘revenge porn’ when they feel rejected or threatened. Revenge porn refers to sharing your sexts without consent, and it’s almost always meant to embarrass, shame, or ostracize the victim. This is why it’s so important to be cautious if a narcissist ever wants to film you during sexual activity. Some narcissists may go as far as installing hidden cameras. It goes without saying that any form of sexting (even if it’s completely consensual) can have serious emotional, physical, and legal consequences. Once you send a photo or explicit text, you have no way of controlling what happens afterward. If you don’t feel comfortable with this act, do not pressure yourself into “giving in.” Remember that coercing you to sext is a form of sexual abuse.
Do Narcissists “Make Love” When They Have Sex?
Can a narcissist make love? Or is the act of sex all just mechanical and self-driven pleasure? What are narcissists like sexually? Compassionate? Alluring? Ego-centric? Selfish? It might, at times, seem like scattered pieces of all of the above! First, it might be helpful to consider what the act of making love actually means to you. For most people, making love refers to sensual, intimate sex. It isn’t just about feeling good or having an orgasm- it’s about achieving a sense of genuine connection through touch. Now let’s consider how narcissism might fit into that definition.
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First, the question might not be, can a narcissist make love? Such a question may be misguided and overstep the point. Instead, the real question might be more along the lines of, what are their motives behind having sex in the first place? At first, narcissists often appear to be skilled in love-making. They may devote significant time and attention to giving you pleasure. Some will want to prove that they’re the best you’ll ever have- they want that satisfaction that they can provide you with joy in a way nobody else has. But most of the time, this impressive passion disappears quite soon. Intense love-making, in some ways, represents a form of love-bombing. The narcissist wants to impress and dazzle you- they want to use sex to keep you hooked. As you may notice, sex can then quickly transform into a seemingly meaningless act. Because how does a narcissist behave sexually once they know you’re sticking with them? Do narcissists make love when they know you’re already committed to the relationship? Usually not.
How Do You Make Love to a Narcissist?
If you’re even asking yourself this question, it might be because you feel insecure about your relationship with the narcissist. Or, you may feel disappointed about your sex life. But knowing how to turn on a narcissist sexually doesn’t come with a cookie-cutter answer. Sex is complicated, fantasies vary, and a narcissist’s motives can be incredibly sinister. Furthermore, what they like one day may change entirely the next. Even if you think you’re in a solid sexual groove, narcissists have a tendency to keep their partners “guessing” and on their feet at all times. Instead of wondering how to best make love, it might be better to reflect on the following questions:
Am I happy about the state of my relationship?Do I believe my partner is willing to make necessary changes to improve our relationship?Do I feel like my needs are getting met adequately?Does this person fit well into my future plans?
Answering ‘no’ to any of those questions means you need to evaluate your priorities and reconsider your happiness. You deserve a stable, loving relationship, and if you aren’t in one, it may be time to reassess. Remember that, in a healthy relationship, making love tends to feel effortless and enjoyable. There isn’t a sense of control, keeping score, or establishing power. Instead, it’s about connecting and giving and receiving pleasure- if those needs aren’t being met, you probably aren’t making love.
Do Narcissists Kiss Their Partners?
Narcissists seem to have a strange relationship with acts of physical affection, like hugging, kissing, or cuddling. Most people enjoy kissing because it’s an intimate way to express love. But just like with sex, kissing often becomes a manipulative tool for the narcissist to get what they want. For example, they may kiss you lovingly when they’re in the mood- even if you’re not. In this case, they hope that their kissing will turn you on enough to change your mind. At times, this may work. Other times, it may feel like you’re being coerced into something you really don’t want to do. Some narcissists won’t kiss their partners much at all. To them, sex (and, mainly, the orgasm) is all that counts. Anything else is just filler getting in their way. In this case, sex often feels like an emotionless act- it’s a transactional means to an end.
Do Narcissists Fantasize?
Narcissists are notorious for having grandiose fantasies. Many narcissists often dream about their entitled successes and fame. Such fantasies usually translate to sex as well. In general, having sexual fantasies is relatively common and not exclusive to narcissists. Many people occasionally wonder about sleeping with different partners or engaging in different activities. Often, these fleeting fantasies are benign and separate from the relationship they share with their partner. But narcissists may not be able to separate their fantasies from reality. For example, they may believe they are entitled to act them out. After all, if they want something, they’re used to getting it. Therefore, if they want to have a threesome, don’t be surprised if they start bringing up the idea incessantly. They often expect their fantasies to become your fantasies. With this mindset, they might use their fantasies to hurt you. If any of these statements sound familiar, they probably represent the narcissist’s frustration with the dissonance between their reality and their fantasies. That said, it isn’t your obligation to change anything whatsoever.
Are You in a Relationship with a Sexual Narcissist?
Believe it or not, spotting a narcissist in bed isn’t always obvious. Narcissistic traits are sometimes so covert that you can’t identify them accurately. Some narcissists are exceptionally skilled in making others believe they are “crazy” or “overreacting” when confronted with their outlandish behavior. You might wonder if you’re acting too prudish or insecure. You may also doubt if you’re exaggerating your concerns. Some common sexual narcissistic traits include:
Having a sense of entitlement in the bedroom.Wanting excessive attention for their sexual performance. Cheating on their partners.Acting sexually promiscuous (despite claiming they will stop).Using sex as a manipulation tool.Insisting on certain types of sexual activity.
More Signs You Are in a Relationship with a Sexual Narcissist
The research defines sexual narcissism as an “egocentric pattern of sexual behavior.” Within this pattern, there are four domains.
Sexual Entitlement
Sexual narcissists believe they have a personal right to fulfill their sexual needs. From their worldview, this sense of entitlement enables them to act inappropriately or harmfully. A sexual narcissist might agree with the statement, “I feel like I deserve sex whenever I’m in the mood.” They will often beg, plead, or subtly “dig at” their partners to have the sex they feel they deserve. At the beginning of a relationship, these narcissists might also quickly pressure new partners to engage in sexual activity. They might use flattery to try to convince an uncertain partner that sex with them is a good idea. Basically, whenever the mood strikes, they assume they have the right to have sex. If you won’t give in to what they want, they will likely search elsewhere for someone who will.
Limited Sexual Empathy
Sexual narcissists have little to no empathy about how another person might feel in a sexual situation. In a worst-case scenario, they may show no remorse for initiating sexual abuse. They might agree with the statement, “My needs matter more than my partner’s.” Because they lack empathy, they also don’t care about your comfort or pleasure. This explains the selfish behavior in bed. They often focus on securing what they want- you are just the body helping them achieve that goal.
Sexual Exploitation
Sexual narcissists are willing and able to manipulate someone else for sexual benefits. Manipulation can come in any form, although many narcissists use emotional manipulation tools like gaslighting, passive-aggression, or even stonewalling to achieve it. They might agree with the statement, “I’m willing to convince my partner to have sex with me.” This exploitation often makes partners feel incredibly ashamed. Instead of blaming the narcissist for such awful behavior, they worry that something is wrong with them. Many times, these partners take extraordinary lengths to ensure that the narcissist is happy and satisfied.
Heightened Perception of Sexual Talent
Sexual narcissists tend to believe they are highly skilled in sexual activity, and they may even perceive their partners as “lucky” to be with them. They might agree with the statement, “I’m the best my partner has ever had.” They will assume that they are exceptionally talented in the bedroom. Therefore, if something hurts or doesn’t feel good, something is wrong with you. They will rarely- if ever- show any personal responsibility for your comfort. At the same time, these narcissists may also make it their personal mission to ensure that you are satisfied. A narcissistic man, for example, may work as hard as he possibly can to give his female partner an orgasm. If she struggles to orgasm, she may end up faking it just to satisfy his ego or end the sexual activity.
Sexual Abuse by Narcissists
Consider the relationship you share with your partner. How does sex genuinely feel with them? How is the communication around sex? Do you feel like your needs matter? Do you feel like you are equally respected? Sexual abuse often starts as emotional abuse, and these problematic patterns can happen in any dynamic. In most cases, the victims know their perpetrators. In fact, research shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience violence by a partner during their lifetimes. In addition, intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all reported violent crimes. By definition, sexual abuse refers to feeling pressured or coerced into any sexual activity. Some common examples of sexual abuse include:
Unwanted touching, kissing, or caressing.Unwanted sexual activity of any kind.Rape or attempted rape.Refusing/restricting/making threats about birth control.Engaging in sexual contact with someone under the influence.Making threats if the person doesn’t engage in sexual behavior.
Some research shows a strong correlation between vulnerable narcissism and sexual abuse. Vulnerable (or covert) narcissists may present as insecure or anxious, but they are still highly self-serving. They may be more likely to use gaslighting techniques to “guilt” their victims into having sex with them. Unfortunately, sexual abuse often repeats itself. Therefore, if someone reinforces the sexual narcissist’s behavior, they learn to continue engaging in that same pattern. Moreover, sexual abuse tends to be chronic. That means, if you’re in a relationship with an abuser, it’s unlikely they will stop. Even if they promise to get help, that doesn’t inherently mean they will change their behavior.
What Happens When You Start Rejecting a Narcissist Sexually?
Rejection can be challenging for anyone, but narcissists often react with extreme narcissistic rage when it happens to them. For example, when you reject the narcissist sexually, they may respond by:
Begging or pleading with you to change your mind.Pretending as if they never wanted to have sex in the first place.Accusing you of hurting them.Becoming incredibly sarcastic or passive-aggressive.Stonewalling you (ignoring you altogether or using very short answers when responding)Withholding sex or affection in the future.
These gaslighting tactics are all intended to make you feel guilty and ashamed. From the narcissist’s distorted framework, it’s your fault that you’re making things difficult. You’re the problem, and they need to show it to you. In their trusted opinion, you’re the one who needs to change and try harder in the relationship. Remember that narcissists have incredibly fragile egos. Even though they may present as strong, confident, and untouchable, their facade is built on a house of cards. It’s easy to break them down- even a simple, perceived moment of rejection often sends them into an extreme spiral.
Do Some Narcissists Have a Sex Addiction?
The idea of sex addiction is somewhat controversial. Some experts claim that it’s dangerous and misleading to categorize sexual behavior as either normal or abnormal. Moreover, the DSM-5 does not formally recognize sex addiction as a mental health condition. Sex addiction can also be complicated because some people may use the term to justify their inappropriate behavior. Because narcissists rarely- if ever- assume personal accountability over their actions, they are likely to blame an external issue if they “get caught.” For example, a narcissistic husband who chronically cheats on his wife may insist he has a sex addiction. But instead of looking inward and trying to change his ways, this narcissist might insist it’s an addiction problem. Therefore, he might exempt himself from needing to do anything proactive about it. Some narcissists may agree to seek therapy for an addiction problem. However, don’t be surprised if they soon dismiss professional treatment as being either unhelpful or a “waste of money.” Subsequently, narcissists often work hard to try to manipulate their therapists into thinking they are the victim of every circumstance- because they are skilled in storytelling, some professionals fall for their sob story.
Is It Possible to Have a Satisfying Sex Life with a Narcissist?
After reading through all these signs and symptoms, you may be wondering if it’s even feasible to have a healthy sexual relationship with a narcissist. It depends. Not all narcissists are sexual narcissists, and narcissism itself exists on a vast spectrum. That said, any relationship with a narcissist often requires an immense emotional sacrifice. You will likely have to surrender your own preferences and needs to maintain the relationship’s homeostasis. A healthy sex life inherently requires mutual trust, respect, and open communication.
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Narcissists, by design, struggle with these core values. They are focused on securing their sense of safety and validation. They want the attention on them, and they feel incredibly rejected when that becomes threatened. Even if things may seem “okay” in the beginning, the true colors of narcissism can and will reveal themselves. Once the narcissist feels genuinely safe with you, they will have no problem manipulating and controlling you to ensure they can meet their needs.
Final Thoughts
Understanding the narcissist and sex can be complicated. Sex, in general, should feel like a mutually enjoyable and pleasurable act. If things always feel one-sided, that’s a red flag to consider. Keep in mind that sexual abuse is never okay. This overarching rule applies under any circumstances. Love requires trust and respect, and sexual abuse erodes the foundation of those two essential needs. If you suspect you’re being sexually abused, it isn’t your fault. However, it’s essential to take the best steps towards protecting yourself. Start by reaching out to a trusted source of support- this person should not have any existing relationship with the narcissist. Let them know what’s going on. Ending a relationship with a narcissist may feel frightening. But many times, doing so is the only way to restore a sense of hope and freedom.
