And then we knock at Google’s door to ask, “How to trust someone again after they lied?” Our trust and faith in someone are like a mirror. You can still see the broken lines after gluing the pieces together. Quite similarly, when trust is broken in a relationship, you are left with the scars of betrayal. Learning how to trust your partner again becomes a daunting challenge. But sometimes, people genuinely regret breaking the trust of a dear one. They feel mortified seeing the pain they are causing you. It’s not exactly a walk in the park for them either. True that you need a lot of courage and emotional strength to trust your partner after lying has taken a hold in your relationship. But, if their remorse is genuine, you may choose to take that chance. It takes a great deal of effort and good intention to rebuild trust in a relationship. Unless both partners are on the same page, and willing to honestly work on the relationship, it’s not going to be easy to attach the broken pieces. So, how to trust someone again after they hurt you, after they broke every promise that they made to you? Jui Pimple, an emotive behavior therapist with an M.A. in Psychology, has some tips and expert insights for you.
5 Signs Of Trust In A Relationship
Every couple has their own definition of infidelity. For some, sexual affairs may be the only parameter of cheating. But for someone else, emotional infidelity could be a deal breaker. While for couples who follow ethical non-monogamy, factors like loyalty and trust take a whole different dimension. So, before you try to figure out how to trust someone again after cheating, it’s better to straighten out your version of trust in a relationship. Have a good, long think about what trust means to you, and the specific, concrete actions needed to develop and maintain this trust. Trust looks different for everyone, but here are some common signs of trust in relationships:
1. Healthy boundaries
Healthy relationship boundaries are essential to building bonds of trust. Having these boundaries means you and your partner know there are lines you do not cross and you prioritize these boundaries to keep your relationship going. For instance, many people tend to believe that there is no concept of cheating in polyamorous and open relationships. Well, that’s absolutely a mistaken idea because even these couples have certain boundaries about their relationship dynamic. If one partner crosses that line, it will be considered deceit and the other person may have a hard time coping with how to love someone again after they hurt you.
2. Equal commitment to the relationship
A relationship only works when all parties involved are on the same page. Trust is developed when you’re aware that you and your partner see the relationship as equally important and are ready to put the same amount of effort into making it work. In a completely healthy relationship, you won’t ever have to worry about who your partner is with if they are a couple of hours late getting back home. As long as there is transparency and fairness and you can count on your partner to be on your team at all times, your relationship won’t see a day where any one of you is struggling with how to regain trust with someone you hurt. “Similar values are important in a relationship, and equal commitment is one of the most important,” Jui says, “To develop and maintain trust, there has to be an inner core of commitment in both partners.”
3. Vulnerability
“Come as you are” could be a motto for every healthy romantic relationship. A trust-filled relationship is where you’re never afraid to be exactly who you are, with all your quirks, your mistakes, and generally messy human-ness. When a relationship is just setting off, the partners often pretend to be a mature version of themselves who sounds super funny and intellectual at the same time. But if they are truly not that person, how long do you think they can carry on with the charade? Especially after starting to share a living space, this façade will eventually come off and their natural self will seem like a red flag to the other person. Because that’s not what they were promised in the beginning. So, if you can be your rawest and most vulnerable self from the get-go, you won’t have to face the “how to trust someone again in a new relationship?” question.
4. Honest communication
Most relationships suffer from trust issues due to the prevailing signs of bad communication between the partners. It’s important to be able to speak your mind in a relationship. Whether it’s an opinion your partner doesn’t agree with or calling them out gently when they say or do something wrong, honesty and trust go hand-in-hand.
5. Mutual respect
Respect for yourselves, for each other, and for your relationship is essential to building and maintaining trust. The minute you take any of this casually, you risk the sanctity of your relationship and are in danger of cheating or hurting your partner in some way or the other. “Love begins with respect, and respect begets trust,” Jui says, “You’ve got to respect each other’s boundaries, values, and overall personality if you’re going to build trust in a relationship.”
Trusting Someone Again After They Hurt You – Tips By An Expert
When some or all of these signs of trust are compromised and you realize you have been betrayed by someone you trusted implicitly, you’ll be left wondering, “How to trust someone again after they lied?” Trust is, after all, one of the foundation blocks of any healthy relationship, and once gone, can be hard to rebuild. To understand how to trust someone again after they hurt you, it’s important to establish clear definitions of what trust means in your relationship. “Trust also means having enough faith in yourself to be open and vulnerable with your partner after they have hurt you,” says Jui, “And once you have reached a space where you feel safe with them again, you’ll also have to trust yourself enough to have firm relationship boundaries.” How to trust someone again, you ask. Let me be very clear, nobody is forcing you to go back to that emotional hell. You owe absolutely nothing to the person who cheated on you. It’s entirely your choice, depending on the severity of your wound, if you want to give them a second chance. Trusting again after betrayal won’t be possible in a short time. Grieve, communicate, and most importantly, set some ground rules before you go back. Perhaps, you will find that the chemistry is not like before. Throw in a few activities to rebuild trust in a relationship. Spend more time together and assess both your points of view mindfully. Now that you’ve established what trust means to you, and what it doesn’t, here are 11 tips on how to trust someone again after they hurt you. We’re not saying it’ll be easy, but maybe it’ll ease your heart somewhat and help you move on.
1. Take time to grieve
When someone breaks your trust, you wonder how to trust the same person again. What can you do in a situation like this? Step one, take your time to grieve and heal. Yes, you’re probably tired of hearing that time heals all wounds. But if you want to rebuild trust in a relationship, time is what you need. See your betrayal as a death of the trust you had in your partner and acknowledge that you need time to mourn. Even if you do rebuild your trust, it’s not going to be the same relationship as it was before. Take time to cry, to rage, to sit in silence, and stare at a wall hopelessly if need be. “Grief is hard to process,” Jui warns, “And it’s tempting to pretend things are better than they are and that you’re doing fine. But letting your feelings build up and boil over is not healthy for you or your relationship. You can’t rebuild trust if you’re holding onto the feelings you never allowed yourself to feel.” “I was devastated after finding out my husband cheated on me,” says Beth. “I was hurt and angry and tired all at once. And initially, I didn’t want to sit with my feelings because I was afraid of where they would take me. I didn’t want to be overwhelmed with these negative feelings. But I realized we’d never rebuild our trust and our marriage if I didn’t take time to grieve.” Beth moved out to her parents’ house for a few weeks, just so she could have some time to come to terms with this betrayal. The time away helped her to make sense of things and also gave her a clear sense of purpose that she wanted to give her marriage another chance. How do you trust someone again after they cheat? Well, a good first step is not to brush your feelings under the carpet. You have every right to be bewildered, angry, and sad. Feel your feelings and honor them before starting to let them go. Only then can you rebuild your trust anew.
2. Communicate your feelings
Communication mistakes plague the best of relationships. When a relationship is in dire straits because of cheating, betrayal, and trust issues, communication often breaks down entirely. How to trust someone again when trust is the one thing that is ruined in your relationship? When someone breaks your trust, you probably don’t want to hear about healthy communication. You’d rather yell and scream and throw things at them. Unfortunately, while smashing a few plates might bring you temporary relief, it’s not going to help you move on or rebuild trust with your partner. If you can manage to communicate your feelings without too much verbal violence, there’s nothing like it. If not, keep a journal and write down everything. Your fury, your sadness, your desire for revenge cheating. Get them all out there and then let them go. Make sure you have a few close friends you confide in as well. They will hear you out and validate your feelings. You know how to trust your partner again? Don’t keep your thoughts bottled up, whatever you do. Everyone has a breaking point and you’re under enough pressure while trying to deal with your pain. “Trusting after betrayal?!” Your friends will think it’s a crazy idea, “Have you gone mad?” Well, clearly you haven’t and you made this decision in a perfectly sane state of mind. Talk to your partner when you feel able to and tell them what you’re feeling. If communicating with them isn’t something you can handle right away, give it time. Talk to other people you love and come back to your partner when you feel ready. Convey to them exactly what has bothered you so much. You can consider giving it another chance on so and so conditions. “When you are ready to communicate with your partner, do so firmly and politely,” Jui says, “They should understand what you’re going through and see that you’re trying to help sustain this relationship. If you’re unable to draw up any tender feelings for your partner, communicate that as well, so they know where things are going.”
3. Listen and hear them out
“What?!” – you’re probably thinking. “I’m feeling vulnerable because my trust was broken and I’m supposed to hear out my cheating weasel of a partner?” We hear you. As far as you’re concerned, you don’t want to hear any excuses or defenses for your partner’s behavior. But at the same time, it’s you who’s trying to figure out how to love someone again after they hurt you. Unfortunately, listening to your partner is an important part of the communication process we just outlined in the previous point. Now, you don’t need to make room for their excuses or attempts of blame shifting onto you. But listening to your partner could give some insight into the root and reasoning behind why they cheated on and betrayed you. You needn’t agree with them, but try and understand where they are coming from. Maybe they felt there was something missing in your relationship, maybe they’ll tell you it was all a mistake and they messed up. Either way, looking them in the eye and hearing them out will also help you decide what to change in the relationship. You will get a clear insight into any issues your partner is having and how to approach them. We understand that when trust is broken in a relationship, there is no space left for logic or reasonable discussion. If you’re thinking about how to trust again after being cheated on, remember that listening is important in any relationship, especially one that is deeply fractured and in need of repair. As you can spot the underlying problem, it will be easier to dive back to start a new chapter in the relationship. “When listening, keep yourself open and alert,” Jui advises, “Don’t be carried away by sensitive, soft words; rather try and get to know the intention behind the words. Don’t let preconceived notions or judgment cloud your mind while listening.”
4. Get your own space
Sharing your daily life and immediate living space with a partner who has betrayed you is very difficult. It’s tough to look at them every day since they become a constant reminder of the sorrow, betrayal, and broken trust. This could turn an already broken relationship irreparably toxic. If you have the means and the option, it’s a good idea to get away for a while, to collect your thoughts and heal yourself while you rebuild the trust. “I went and stayed with a friend for a week or two after I discovered my live-in boyfriend had cheated on me,” says Emma. “It was just too hard, pretending to go on with our everyday lives while inside, I was boiling over. I needed to get away to get some perspective.” Tolerating this person’s presence also would seem unbearable, forget about trusting after betrayal. Being too close to a problem often impairs our ability to see clearly and arrive at a solution. Distancing yourself from a space you shared with your partner and from their presence, enables you to see things with fresh eyes and begin your healing on your terms. It doesn’t have to be you who moves out, necessarily. If your errant partner has family or friends nearby, they can go too. Tell them you need a little time and space to yourself to sort things out. If you’re wondering, “How can I trust again after being hurt?”, a little space never hurts. It’s better than having to put up with a toxic relationship. “Having your own space will help you reflect on what and how things went wrong,” Jui points out, “It will also give you a chance to sit back and think calmly about what you want and what can be done.”
5. Practice forgiveness
“How to trust someone again?” “How can I ever forget what they did to me?” You may find yourself agonizing over questions like these. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were all wonderfully loving beings who forgave each other easily at all times? But, we’re not, and certainly not when a romantic partner has betrayed us and we’re plotting ways to bring them down! So, what to do when someone breaks your trust? You cannot take a step ahead without a forgiving mindset, and that too, only if you want to save the relationship. I know, easier said than done to let go of something so horrible. But if you don’t, you will be holding onto the same grudge five months later and nobody can be happy in the relationship. Then how to trust someone again after cheating? Like active listening, forgiveness in relationships, too, is an action you’ll need to practice every day as you attempt to trust somebody again after they hurt you. According to Jui, some ways in which you could actively forgive your partner’s transgressions are:
Mindfulness: Acknowledge and remind yourself that forgiveness clears your mind and promotes healthy and positive thoughts, all of which are better for your own health and peace of mindPerspective: Try and understand your partner’s personality traits, situation, and past circumstances that may have manifested in what they did to you. When you understand better, you forgive betterEmotional replacement: Negative, unforgiving thoughts can be replaced with positive, reinforcing ones. You could try and focus on the good memories you and your partner have every time you think of their betrayal
It’s easy to respond to “how do you trust someone again after they cheat?” with “forgive them”. But forgiveness doesn’t come spontaneously when you’re hurting and you will have to work at it, possibly for a long time.
6. Let the past go
Oh, the temptation to bring up past wrongs whenever you’re in a fight with your partner! How easy it is to beat them down with, “Well, let’s not forget what you did two years ago!” It’s such a quick weapon to win a fight. But it doesn’t help when you’re picking up the pieces of a broken relationship. Resentment is corrosive and it will eat away at you, leaving you bitter and unable to trust again. When you have willingly decided to trust your partner again after lying, you have to free yourself from that cage of fury and vengeance. It’s important to remind yourself that the past belongs in the past. Both of you must learn what you can from it, and then let it go. If you are to move on and rebuild trust, constantly bringing up the past betrayal is not the way to do it. You’re thinking, “I’m feeling vulnerable because my trust was broken and I can’t let this go yet.” But clinging on to that hurt also means you’re holding on to all the negativity that you associate with it. Do you really want to go through with a life where old anger and bitterness are a constant company? How to trust someone again in a new relationship? Don’t use the past as a weapon to hold over your partner’s head whenever new things go wrong. No relationship is insured against disagreements and fights. You’ll have plenty of new things to yell at your partner about. Let the past go.
7. Learn to trust yourself
When you’re working on how to trust again after being cheated on, you’re also talking about building your own confidence and self-esteem. Let’s face it, betrayal in a relationship from an intimate partner means that any trust you had in yourself has taken a serious beating. And you can’t rebuild anything if you’re the one in pieces. If you’ve made the choice of rebuilding trust with the same person who betrayed you, you’ve got to learn to trust yourself first. Trust the choice that you’ve made to give this relationship another chance. Trust that whatever new obstacles come up as you rebuild your relationship, you will work them out. Most of all, trust that whatever steps you’re taking – whether it’s taking time for yourself or giving yourself space – are the right ones. We invest heavily in our romantic relationships; in fact, sometimes, our whole lives revolve around the people we love. When the center of your existence has broken down, it’s tough to trust in yourself. Most of us come into a relationship with some degree of trust issues as it is. But stick to your convictions, and remind yourself that whatever the outcome of this is, you can trust your gut and your heart to survive. “There’s no point trying to rebuild trust in a partner if you’re floundering yourself,” Jui says, “Your inner strength and convictions are what will carry you through this tough time and that’s what you need to focus on first. It’s like how you put on your oxygen mask first before helping anyone else.”
8. Avoid being the victim
‘Victim’ is a terribly passive term and seems to denote someone who has no say and no control over what is happening in their lives. When you constantly see yourself as a victim, you become someone to whom things happen, rather than someone who makes things happen. You’re a survivor. You get to be sad, you get to wallow, you get to articulate that terrible things have happened to you. But what happens now? Do you control the narrative or do you simply label yourself a victim and let things happen to you? To learn to trust someone again, you have got to be confident in your own skin. Don’t curse yourself by saying, “He chose her over me because she is prettier than I am.” “I kind of fell into a ‘poor me’ mode for months after I found out my wife had been seeing another guy,” says Ken, “Mind you, I didn’t want to give up and I did want to try and rebuild our marriage. But I was just so hurt and it becomes so easy to let that become your primary identity – the victim. Eventually, I realized it was hurting me more than helping me and that I had to get up and do something about it.” Constantly labeling yourself thus can keep you from making active choices and decisions that will help you rebuild trust and have faith in your own strength and ability to move past tough times. Take charge of your own life and make things happen for you. Most importantly, stop seeking external validation for your excellent qualities.
9. Consider the future
“My partner cheated on me and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay with him. But, we have two kids and in order to co-parent, I knew we had to figure out some way of rebuilding trust,” says Michael. If you want an honest answer to how to trust someone again, you should know that not every trust-rebuilding exercise will be about you and your partner wanting to stay together. But, for the sake of the future and the greater good of your family, rebuilding trust after a betrayal will be essential. “It wasn’t about trusting him to be a good partner but about whether I could trust him to be a good dad,” Michael says, “I had to think about the future and whether I wanted our kids to grow up with two bitter, bickering parents.” Consider your life and everyone in it, if you ever attempt to rebuild trust with your partner. Who will be affected in the long term? You certainly will be, as will be the children and any extended family you share. Even if you decide not to stay together, attempt to rebuild trust so that you’re both happier as co-parents and as individuals. Maybe you’ll no longer share a romantic bond but there can be trust and respect, and a healthy family environment that works well for everyone. “Look ahead and think about what you want,” Jui says, “Do you want to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids, do you want to separate for a while, or do you want to genuinely give things another chance? The degrees and kinds of trust you build will depend on your decision and how you see the future.”
10. Have clear boundaries
As we said, maintaining healthy relationship boundaries underlines that you have a strong, trusting relationship. When you’ve chosen to repair a bond and are working on how to trust the same person again after they have hurt you, it becomes doubly important to re-establish boundaries for the future. Trust can be maintained only if both partners respect each other and this respect comes from knowing and acknowledging each other’s physical, psychological and emotional boundaries. Now that trust has been broken, it’s a good idea to sit down and talk about new boundaries and also old ones that need to be put back in place. If your partner was seeing someone they work with, talk about how to navigate this. Your partner will still be seeing them at the workplace every day and there will be interaction. If possible, discuss boundaries for future circumstances where one or both of you are attracted to other people. Again, this is bound to happen in almost every relationship and since it’s wrecked your happiness once, it’s prudent to talk about how to tackle it if it happens again. Be firm but practical with your boundaries. Talk about where you are willing to compromise, but what is absolutely non-negotiable to you.
11. Seek professional help
To trust again after betrayal is a heart-rending journey and you may find yourself weak and helpless in the process. You don’t have to handle all of this alone. And it always helps to have an impartial, professional ear to listen to and help you sift through the painful muddle in your head. You could start out by going to a counselor yourself and eventually go for couple’s therapy. Skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel of experts are always here for you. Remember there’s absolutely no shame in asking for help and going to a professional doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Grief, anger, and betrayal are all valid reasons to talk to someone and will help you navigate your way back to a place from where you can start rebuilding trust. Therapy also establishes a routine and pattern in your life which is great for when you’re feeling low and do not have the energy to take care of yourself. Remember, self-love, self-respect, and self-care are important at this stage, and getting help is a big part of that. “Counseling and therapy mean that you’re getting an outside perspective from a professional who sees every side of your situation,” Jui says, “It’s healthy to hear a narrative from someone who’s not too close to you to be able to see things clearly.” How to trust someone again after they hurt you is one of the trickiest relationship terrains you’ll ever have to navigate. Understand that no matter how much love and effort you pour into it, your relationship will not go back to what it was before. There are now cracks and fissures in your bond and you know that your partner is capable of hurting you in a way you hadn’t thought was possible. You will both be more cautious with each other and it will take a while before you’re able to open up and trust them again. And it still might not be the same. Whether it’s about how to regain trust with someone you hurt or someone who has betrayed you, there’s no ready-made map for this journey. Now that you have chosen to trust your partner again after lying, you might have to approach it as a whole new relationship with completely new rules and expectations. Try doing some of your favorite couple activities to rebuild trust in a relationship. For instance, cute cuddle sessions, giving a massage to your partner, having game nights at home, and revisiting the places around the city you used to go to before. As with most relationships, if you choose each other every day and communicate clearly if you’ve promised to tackle everything that comes your way together, there’s every chance you’ll repair and rebuild your trust all over again.
