First, let’s address the fundamental question, why does one miss an ex? Adya Poojari (M.A. Clinical Psychology), who specializes in relationship and adolescent therapy says. “It is because you make yourself vulnerable and start depending on the other person that you miss an ex. This dependency could be physical, emotional, mental, or even economical. Also, your ego forces you to miss that person as you have invested a significant amount of time in that person.” What are the signs that you are not still over your ex? What to do when you miss your ex? And how to get over missing your ex? Adya shares her insights and gives a list of things that you can do when you miss your ex. Read on.
Things To Do When You Miss Your Ex
There are many things that you can do to divert your mind when you are missing an ex and thinking about them. These are tried and tested methods by people who have successfully made the transition from missing their ex to forgetting their ex and moving on in their lives. Consider the case of Flora. When she couldn’t stop thinking about her ex even after a year of their breakup, she took the help of a therapist. Her counseling sessions and therapy went on for almost a year and by the end of it, Flora had not only made peace with her past but had also entered a new and fulfilling romantic relationship. That’s what therapy does! In case you also have issues about what to do when you miss your ex, given below is a list of suggestions by Adya that you can implement when you miss your ex.
1. Go over what didn’t work out in the relationship
What to do when you miss your ex? Rather than remembering the good parts of the relationship, think about what did not work out for you. The differences of opinion, the conflicts, the nasty exchange of words, and the like.Write down all the things that went wrong on a piece of paper or a notebook. You can even paste that piece of paper on a soft board at a place where you are forced to look at it every day. It will serve as a constant reminder to you and reinforce the reasons why that relationship did not work. This will keep your thoughts about your ex in check and help you heal after a breakup.
2. What to do when you miss your ex? Erase the memories
Want to know how to get over missing your ex? Erase all the physical memories that you have of them or the relationship. Delete all the photos, videos, gifts, or any memories that remind you of them or your relationship. That’s what Theresa did. When she was constantly missing her ex, not only did she delete all the photos, videos, and memories associated with him but she went one step further and deleted his contact number along with those of his family members and friends as well. She also stopped stalking her ex on social media completely. So, what to do when you miss your ex? Just like Theresa, don’t hold on to any memory of your ex and you will be able to start life afresh again.
3. What to do when you miss your ex? Release pent up emotions
New York Times bestselling author, Gabrielle Bernstein says in her book, Miracles Now, “Feel your feelings.” According to her if you feel safe experiencing your feelings, you no longer run away from them and are able to release them. This is one of the things to do when you miss your ex. So what kind of feelings crop up when you think of your ex? Is there anything you want to say? Do you want to cry your heart out or spit venom? So essentially what to do when you miss your ex? Imagine them standing in front of you and venting it all out. Release all those pent-up emotions. Scream as much as you want and do not mince your words. Let out the emotional flooding and you will start feeling light. Releasing pent-up emotions is a very important step to let go of the emotions associated with them, otherwise, how will you stop missing your ex?
4. Analyze why you are missing your ex
Ask yourself, “Why am I missing my ex?” whenever you do. Is it because of their companionship or that you get habituated to them? Or is it because you had started depending on them? Once you identify the reason behind missing your ex, you can work on it. According to Adya, one of the main reasons behind missing an ex is that most people are in denial about the end of their relationship. They seek the help of a therapist to get an explanation of ‘why didn’t it work?’ and ‘why was it not meant to be?’ Accepting that the relationship has ended is the hardest part to accept for most people and that is why they are unable to get over their ex. Explaining the therapy process, Adya says, “Instead of asking them to move on, we ask them to dwell on why they miss their ex repeatedly. Just like you can’t laugh over the same joke many times, you cannot cry over the same grief continuously. The more you dwell on the reasons why you miss your ex, you will eventually realize that you need to let go of the past. Once this process of self-actualization kicks in, they are able to let go of their thoughts about their ex.”
5. Don’t seek ‘revenge’
In cases where the other person has ended the relationship and one’s ego is not able to accept the rejection, feelings of revenge creep in. In such cases what to do when you miss your ex? Adya says, “Feelings of revenge often develop subconsciously. This revenge could be in any form. It could be leaking their personal photos or videos, bad-mouthing them, letting out their secrets, or just passive-aggressive behavior. The intention here is to hurt your ex one way or the other and get even.” So what to do when you are missing your ex? It is essential not to blame yourself or anybody else for the breakup. Sometimes breakups are inevitable. Don’t allow any ill feelings to creep in. If you harbor any such feelings, reach out to a therapist at the earliest.
6. Accept that it is over
When the relationship is over without your consent or agreement, often it gives rise to grief. According to Adya, there are five clinical stages of grief such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, not everybody undergoes all these stages and if they do, not necessarily in this order. Adya explains, “The first step is denial when you don’t want to accept that the relationship has ended, then there is anger about your ex ending the relationship. Thereafter, you begin to start bargaining as to what you can give up or accept in order to make the relationship work. Then comes the stage of depression when you are missing your ex badly. It is during this stage that it is most important to take therapy if need be and review the reasons for the breakup so that you can move on to the next stage of acceptance and get closure.” In case you are faced with such a situation and wondering what to do when you miss your ex, contact a therapist and seek a solution for it. They will help you to accept this better.
7. What to do when you miss your ex? Keep yourself busy
Ensure that you have your hands full. Whether it is by focusing on your career, going out with your friends, traveling, or just reading a book or watching a movie, keep yourself occupied so that you stop missing your ex. Michelle faced a tough time getting over her ex as they were together for 15 years. She couldn’t hold back her tears reminiscing about the hours that they would spend with one other, so she came up with a plan. To get over missing her ex, she joined a dance class! Not only did Michelle dance her blues away, but she effectively avoided missing her ex too. So, what to do when you miss your ex? The takeaway from Michelle’s case is don’t sit idle. An idle mind is a devil’s workshop. Being productive will change your thought patterns and help you to get over missing your ex.
8. What to do when you miss your ex? Change your routine
One of the effective ways to stop missing your ex is to change your daily routine. One big change or a few small changes in your regular routine will change your thinking to accommodate those tasks and thus help you get over missing your ex. In an interview with Elle magazine, American singer-songwriter Taylor Swift said, “The more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying, ‘Hello, beautiful. Good morning.’ You get used to not calling someone at night to tell them how your day was. So, if you’re asking, “What to do when I miss my ex?” listen to Swift, she has a solution for this. She says, “You replace these old habits with new habits, like texting your friends in a group chat all day and planning fun dinner parties and going out on adventures with your girlfriends. And then all of a sudden one day you’re in Loon and you realize…you’re fine.” If you follow this to a T, you will never have to think, about what to do when you miss your ex.
9. Invest in yourself
The time that you would have spent with your ex, use that time to grow as a person. Learn a new language, acquire a new skill, change the way you look, or start a side hustle, there are plenty of things that will help you grow as a person. Take the example of Tim. When Tim broke up with his girlfriend, he decided to turn a new leaf. Tim said, “I kept wondering what to do when I miss my ex and decided to put my cooking expertise to good use. I started an online community wherein I would regularly post my recipes, which garnered a lot of views.” Eventually, through this community, Tim connected with someone and found love again. Thus, Tim not only got over missing his ex but also got into a better relationship. You never know what’s in store for you, so stop wondering if your ex is still in love with you. Start a new chapter and meet someone who will treat you better! Start asking yourself this question, ’What to do when I miss my ex,’ and the answer will help you get over missing your ex.
10. Practice gratitude
A breakup is not the end of the road, but the beginning of a new journey. Stay positive and look at the brighter side of things. Look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. Hence in this context what to do if you miss your ex? Practice gratitude. Take the case of Marisa who had a bad breakup. It so happened that looking at Marisa so shattered and heartbroken, her best friend Sabina, who was also a relationship counselor, forced her to start writing a gratitude journal. After a lot of resistance, a reluctant Marisa gradually began the process every day. As she began to count her blessings in her journal, she noticed that she had a lot to be thankful for in her life. And at the end of three months, not only had she stopped missing her ex, but she became a very lively person too, ready to take on the world.
11. Give it time
If you want to stop missing an ex, realize that it will not happen overnight. It is a process that might take time. and there is no specific timeline for it. It varies from person to person. Talking about ‘how to get over missing your ex’, reality TV star Khloe Kardashian said in a live stream on her website, “I don’t believe that there is a timeline for grieving or healing or getting over someone or something. I think that we all heal in our own time, some are faster than others, and I think some loves are harder to get over than others.” So whatever time you need to stop missing your ex, take it. Because you can definitely find happiness after a breakup. Also, remember the following, adds Adya, “Irrespective of how the relationship ended, don’t get yourself back into that metaphorical black hole by calling up your ex. These things happen for a reason and if you slide back into the relationship, it only will hamper your own happiness. Even if your ex picks up your call and talks nicely to you, it might only give you temporary happiness, because a relationship that has once been broken is fragile and can easily break again. So, don’t put yourself through it.” Having said that, all the pointers given above can help you to stop missing your ex. Implement all or as many of these tips as possible and witness the changes. A breakup can sometimes be a blessing in disguise as it makes you rethink your priorities, reach out to friends, rebuild a solid social circle, and ultimately helps you grow as a person. Adya advises, “Don’t allow a breakup to stop you in your tracks. Keep moving forward in life and more importantly, don’t look back. Because a beautiful life is waiting to embrace you with open arms.” So, if you are still stuck with the question, ‘what to do when you miss your ex,’ remember help is at hand. Book your session with an expert today. Bonobology has a multitude of experienced therapists who would love to help you.
