Perhaps the timing just wasn’t right, maybe it wasn’t written in the stars, or maybe you just missed the sign and didn’t kiss them, ending the date with a hug that led nowhere. Being single has its perks, but if you’re out there looking for the love of your life, it can go from “I can do whatever I want!” to “I just want to do whatever I want with someone I love” very quickly. Why you’re still single doesn’t have to be a mystery, however. With the help of dating coach Geetarsh Kaur, founder of The Skill School which specializes in building stronger relationships, let’s try to understand why you might not have found someone to save the last slice of pizza for yet.
11 Reasons Why You Are Still Single – Know From The Expert
If someone asks you why you’re still single, try not to throw food at their face and just blame the pandemic instead. Zero contact with the outside world for months on end has actually made us believe that pickup lines like “Wanna come closer than 6 feet?” will work. Don’t be too hard on yourself though. Almost everyone has forgotten how to sustain a conversation with someone without sending emojis and GIFs to bring the chat to a close. Blaming the pandemic is a pretty easy way out of a question that may just end up making you overthink the color of the shirt you wore on your last date. Being single when you’re looking for love can have a negative effect on your confidence and self-esteem. You may even end up asking yourself questions like, “Why am I always single?” followed by self-criticism. Have you ever considered that perhaps the answer could be because you’re just too good for everybody else, and no one even comes close? Keep that chin up! Reasons to be single can be plenty. For starters, all that money you save because you don’t have to get two of whatever takeaway food you’re ordering. You’ll also have more time to work on yourself, instead of listening to your partner rant about work. Let’s not forget about all the friends you’ll make! And the ones you’d have otherwise lost touch with, the day you got into a relationship. Being single isn’t a bad thing. But despite the benefits, if the question ‘why am I still single?’ weighs on your mind, the reasons we list below might just be able to give you the answers you’re looking for.
1. You’re not going to settle for anything less than “the one”
It looks great in the movies, the accidental bump-in at a corner, the meet-up at a quaint library, the eye contact and the seamlessly falling in love. But real life is a lot different. If you’re lucky, you’ll swipe right not expecting much. You two will hit it off just enough to warrant a date. The date will turn out to be fantastic and maybe then you’ll think about starting a relationship with this person. If you’re waiting for your knight in shining armor to come and swoop you off your feet the minute he lays his eyes on you, you’ll be looking out for him till you’re on your deathbed. Having extremely high expectations of your future partner could be one of the main reasons why you’re still single. Geetarsh explains how changing expectations are difficult to gauge, but also sheds light on how important it is to manage expectations in a relationship. “Expectations change with age, circumstances and time. What you want when you’re 18 is very different from what you want when you’re 25. Therefore, having expectations that are too high can be one of the reasons why a person is unable to settle with someone; there are also a plethora of other aspects that determine the outcome as well.” “Nonetheless, you still need to take a look at if your expectations are realistic, or if you’re cooking up fantastical ideas of love in your head. Many people look at their coupled-up friends around them and assume that that’s what their relationship should look like as well. That comparison only leads to forming damaging notions in your head, since you don’t realize that each individual is different and that your relationship is always going to differ from the one your friends are in. “Set your own standards, your own expectations, your own wants. You cannot look at what others expect from their relationships; your needs and wants will be unique to your own relationship. However, it’s extremely important to make sure you know that the expectations you have are realistic.” Honestly, if you’re able to find someone who makes you laugh, truly cares for you and is exceptionally nice, we’d say you’ve hit the jackpot.
2. You’re barking up the wrong tree
Meaning, you’re flirting with the wrong person. Perhaps the people you pick as partners are not right for you, and you fail to see it. Maybe the timing isn’t right, maybe they’re inherently not good for you, or they could simply not be into you and you have yourself a case of one-sided love. If you’re constantly picking the wrong person for yourself, it could very easily answer any burning question you have along the lines of, “What’s the reason why I am single?” or “Why am I still single at 30?” “The way to avoid barking up the wrong tree is by making mistakes, and understanding what you don’t want in a person only after you’ve come across a few who don’t appeal to you. It’s okay to look around and experiment, that’s the only way you’re going to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t,” says Geetarsh. “Your perception toward the dating game must change. Think of it as a learning experience, helping you figure out what you don’t want from a partner. Only when you understand the kind of person you’re not going to be able to get with, will you be able to find someone whose nuances you adore and love,” she adds. Knowing what kind of a person you’re looking for is key. While everyone wants someone nice, try to think about more personality traits you’d like in someone. Make sure you don’t get insanely specific though, you’ll just end up reading point number one again!
3. You compare new partners with people from your past
While on dating apps, if you instantly start to compare things about complete strangers to that one ex you had, you may as well say goodbye to any hopes of trying to find a partner anytime soon. Being too critical, always comparing new people you come across to people from your past, will only end up giving you unreasonably high expectations. It’s important to understand that everyone comes with their own set of flaws as well as strengths. Nobody’s going to fit the bill you’ve have in your mind and nobody can pass the comparison test. So if you’re stuck saying things like “I don’t know why I’m still single”, see if you’re always comparing potential new lovers to people you’ve met in the past. Geetarsh explains how you must also check how you respond to the comparisons you make in your own mind. “Comparisons can be normal when a person is reminded of someone from their past. As well as checking the comparisons you are making, what’s equally important is to check how you’re responding to them. “You may think this new person in your life isn’t doing what a previous partner used to do, but your reaction to it determines if it’s a healthy comparison or not. Don’t react negatively, check your own expectations and try to introspect on why you feel the way you do.”
4. You’re not too approachable
No, we don’t mean to take a shot at your persona in general, but it’s quite possible that your body language subconsciously intimidates some people. Try to ask a few people around you if there’s anything intimidating about you and if they’d approach you at a party. If the answer is an unfavorable one, perhaps wear some lighter colors, loosen up, lose the mustache (or the black lipstick) and try to appear more friendly. Don’t be rude to anyone who comes up and talks to you. Someone nice is quite literally the first thing people look for when trying to find someone to love. And if you’ve never been in a relationship, try not to be scared of the idea of having someone come over to talk to you. You might be projecting unfavorable signs towards people. Check that.
5. You’re not ready for a relationship
The reasons why you’re not ready for a relationship could probably fill a little notebook. Perhaps you suffered a rather traumatizing heartbreak that you haven’t been able to get over. Maybe you’re a commitment-phobe who has a fear of intimacy, or maybe you’re just too young and your mom says no. Even if you’re out and about, trying to look for a relationship, if at the end of the day you’re not emotionally ready to let someone in, it will never work. To be able to thrive in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable and learn to trust another person. “When people fear relationships because of past experiences, something they witness or the influence they’ve had in their lives, they must address it immediately,” says Geetarsh. When asked how a person should deal with their commitment phobia, Geetarsh suggests, “Seek professional help. Try to take the plunge when you feel comfortable and get into a relationship with someone if you’ve been pining for it. “Be open with your communication, your demands and your insecurities. Don’t hide your commitment fears, make sure you put them out on the table. However, make sure you don’t harp on about having commitment issues. Work on yourself, the rest will fall into place.” Having your walls up and your blinds down in an attempt to protect yourself from harm, the likes of which you may have faced in the past, will just spell doom for your dating life. If you believe you require help to deal with the possible commitment issues you have, Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists, including Geetarsh herself, can help you figure out how to be able to trust someone again.
6. You give a lot more time to other aspects of your life
Relationships are a lot of work. They require a lot of effort to pursue, maintain and cultivate. If you have been too busy making a career, it’s completely plausible that you’re still single because of it. Choosing your career over a relationship is in no way a bad thing. A work-life balance is a bit different when your life has a new romantic partner in it, it’s a bit harder to maintain. When life starts getting busier, you form a routine to deal with the constant expectations of you at work. Some people fall in love with their routines instead of a significant other and see no reason to change their ways. Ask yourself if you’ve even been free enough to afford a relationship. If you haven’t, you’ve just answered the question “Why am I single?”
7. You’re not trying hard enough to be in one
Sure, love comes when you’re not looking for it, but do you expect the love of your life to just knock on your 4th floor apartment door while you’re tucked into your bed on a Friday night, watching Netflix? The point being, you can’t expect to find love if you’re never out on dates, never socializing, never going to parties, or if you’re part of the “I hate dating apps, I want to do it old school style” brigade. While having personal preferences about how you want to start dating is great, you can’t ignore how much dating apps will increase your chances of finding love. Your “why am I single”, could have an answer as simple as: you’re not trying hard enough to not be. Try to be more social and go to more events. Ask your friends to set you up with someone they may know. You’re trying to find someone you might spend the rest of your life with. If finding them was so easy, it would be a tad bit suspicious, right?
8. You have self-esteem issues
You could have yourself convinced that you’re truly looking forward to a relationship, but if every time you see someone attractive, you think to yourself, “They’re so out of my league. They’ll never want me,” you may indirectly be giving out signals that you’re not interested.
Low self-esteem will make you convince yourself that no one would be interested in dating you. When you end up believing that, you might even end up discouraging people from approaching you because you’re giving off signals that scream you don’t want a conversation with them.
“While self-esteem issues can always be worked upon with the support of a potential partner, they become problematic when they leave you incapable of trying to indulge yourself in new situations like talking to someone new. Unless you communicate the crush you have on someone, it’ll be impossible to find someone who you can feel connected to,” says Geetarsh.
She adds, “Everyone comes across the kind of partner best suited for them, it’s just a matter of trying. When insecurity issues demotivate you from trying to find and cultivate relationships with people, you must acknowledge them and work on them.”
Self-esteem issues stem from insecurities and self-doubt. Engage in mindful activities, consider talk therapy, think about why you may be so judgmental of yourself. Once you love yourself, it’ll be easy to love someone else. You won’t have to ask yourself things like, “Will I always be single?”
9. You’re not the best at relationships
Buckle up, this one might hurt. If your previous relationships ended in a bitter breakup and you’re asking yourself, “I just don’t know why I’m single”, it might be because you pushed people away. Before you roll your eyes at this point and move on to the next one, try to remember if perhaps you were always the first person to lose your cool in arguments. Maybe you responded unfavorably to pleas for personal space, or you just had too many expectations from your partner. Think about if maybe you weren’t the best partner, but don’t blame yourself for everything that went wrong. Read up on how you can sustain a healthy relationship with someone and try to be the best partner you can be.
10. Approach the dating game the right way
Even if you consider point number 7 and begin to try harder, your efforts may go to waste if you don’t do it the right way. Geetarsh helps us understand how to approach the dating game in the right way. “First of all, don’t be in a hurry, don’t get swept up when someone sends you a couple of good morning texts.
“It’s easy to let infatuation take hold, but make sure you don’t let your daydreaming mind get the better of you. Consider the bigger picture when you’re talking to someone, and don’t act impulsively. I always tell my clients to take their time while trying to find someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. It’s not a decision anyone should be rushing.
“Also, make sure you match yourself with someone’s intellect level, rather than just how you feel around them. Intellectual and emotional intimacy are the key elements that hold a relationship together, even when the love tends to fade away and a long-lasting compassion takes its place.”
11. The “right person” for you hasn’t come along yet
A bit of a dreamy scenario, but it’s absolutely possible that you’re still single because the absolute right person hasn’t come your way yet. Don’t worry, there’s not just one soulmate waiting for you in this vast world. People often do have more than one soulmate who they meet in their lives. When the right person comes your way, you’ll be able to feel it. Try not to fall in love too fast though, you don’t want to scare them away before the dessert comes to your table! Waiting for ‘the one’ isn’t the best strategy. Your expectations will lead you to be disappointed more often than not and you’ll be way pickier than usual, missing out on a bunch of good experiences with different people. Don’t be too picky about finding the right partner…when they’re meant to come your way, they will. “Why am I still single?” is a question that could have multiple answers. The important thing to remember is that you deserve to be loved, just like everyone else and in the meantime, you should try and work on yourself to become the best partner you can be. Don’t be too worried about ‘will I always be single’, just make that dating app profile, hit up a few parties your friends are having and socialize more than you used to. You may not find love immediately, but at least you’ll find a few good restaurants!
